A Precious Bond~the book
Something different for grandparents or anyone looking to improve communication and eliminate conflict! It works! Grandparents who take steps to adopt these principles have actually been successful in reuniting with grandchildren.
This new book, will truly help grandparents preserve the grandparent-grandchild relationship by taking steps to right the wrongs that threaten the bond.
This book is a hands-on self help book that teaches grandparents how to rely on their own resources that perhaps they didn’t know they had. Some may be new behaviors and some are common sense approaches that need to be awakened.
$12.95 donation includes shipping. Inside the book click here: HEAR WHAT OTHERS HAVE TO SAY: "Susan, I just got your book "A Precious Bond" today and started reading it right away. It is full of stories that I can relate to. I admire your strength and dedication. Please keep up the awareness!" Gail Dudding~ We appreciate your help more than we can ever say. It is a tough learning experience and you guys and the book have guided us in a way we may never have been able to figure out. With all our gratitude, Morgan & Kevin” “I’m extremely thankful for the work you are doing and please know you have already made a difference in our lives and we are eternally grateful. Regards, Alice Cardenas”The Book
Inside The Book:
Chapter 1: What It Feels Like
Chapter 2: The Whys 17
Chapter 3: Yes, But 29
Chapter 4: Changing Behavior 33
Chapter 5: Kiss Butt 37
Chapter 6: Clog The Courts 51
Chapter 7: Attorneys Speak 65
Chapter 8: Get On With Life 75
Chapter 9: Make A Difference 83
Chapter 10: A Compendium Of Grand Magazine Articles 89
Chapter 11: Examples 115
Chapter 12: Grandparent Feedback 129
Chapter 13: Life Isn’t Fair 137
CHANGING BEHAVIOR: Yours, Not Theirs
We cannot change another person’s behavior; no matter how hard we try we can’t do it. So if we want to see a different outcome to a situation, then it is up to us to change what we are doing.
An insane person repeats the same behavior over and over and wonders why the results are the same. At some point it may be a good idea to take a good look at our existing behavior and consider looking for alternatives. For example, if grandpar- ents are getting turned down for weekly dinners with the kids, yet they continue to make the same request week after week, perhaps, changing the tactic would provide the desirable out- come. The grandparents can give up the idea of the dinners and opt for another way to see the kids.
We may find that we take each rejection personally and our feelings get hurt or we get angry and frustrated when we are only trying to be close to our grandchildren. After all, we just want share time with them and be a part of their lives.
It is so hard to comprehend any kind of denial from the parents when our intentions are honorable; it just doesn’t make sense. But we are probably the only ones who see it that way. The parents are not necessarily trying to cause hurt. Denied or
reduced visits could have many explanations, some about the grandparent and some having nothing to do with them. Parents are busy, just as we were when we were raising our kids and sometimes it’s hard to squeeze everything and everybody into the mix. Maybe that is all that it is, and if so, grandparents may want to figure a way to make the parent’s life easier such as blending into their schedule instead of adding to it.
Don’t expect the parents to change their behavior, to stop what they are doing in order to accommodate the grandparent’s request. It doesn’t work that way. The parents may not want to reschedule their routine so that the grandparents can see the kids on their terms. While it’s great to have grandparents who want to treat the kids to a dinner out once a week, it’s not always convenient for the family routine. Perhaps the parents consider it a disruption and don’t want to deal with another variable. Maybe the grandparents’, expectations of a rigid weekly schedule is off-putting to the parents. Whatever the reason, don’t expect that the parents will change their way of doing things. The only way to get what you want is to change the way you are doing things, which means changing your behavior.
Let’s use the example of the grandparents desiring a weekly dinner date. Perhaps they could reduce the number to every other week or whatever the parents are comfortable with.
The grandparents could also make the events less structured and more spontaneous. I understand that they want to see the kids on a regularly established basis, but something is better than nothing. Maybe dinner on a scheduled basis isn’t working at all; there are other options such as showing up at sporting activities, or watching a dance class or piano lesson. Schools even have provisions for parents and grandparents to join kids for lunch. I think the grandparent needs to get creative and figure out other ways to stay involved without interfering in the family’s schedule.
Grandparents may want to open themselves up to being the ones to change their behavior in order to remain a vital part of their grandchildren’s lives. Set the ego aside, let go of any stubbornness holding you back from moving into new territory. Parents are not going to change, but grandparents are. It’s the only way to avoid the threat of visitation issues or lost access. With the impending threat of complete denial looming, a grand- mother couldn’t see that she was the one pushing her son away. She had a history of quizzing her grown son about his personal life, specifically dating. “Do you have a girlfriend?” “ I would like to meet her.” She made demands was judge-mental, accusatory and played the “after all I’ve done for you”, card. No wonder he was avoiding her.
In this case, fortunately her son flat out told her that the
ball was in her court to change those behaviors in order to save the relationship.
Parents must perceive grandparents as non- threatening individuals. Of course grandparents never think of themselves as threatening, but others might. This is the reason the parent keeps the grandparent away just as they would anyone else they perceive as threatening. “You gotta make them want you around.”
Grandparents must strive for an attitude change toward, “you and me instead of you or me” when it comes to getting along with parents.
If you want things to be different, if you want to get what you want, if you want to see change, then you are the one who will have to be doing the changing.
If you are willing to make changes, then you are ready for the next chapter.